With Blade in Hand|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Friday, August 3rd, 2007|
|MySpace is Better
Henceforth I shall be focusing my limited internet attentions on MySpace and facebook. Livejournal has simply become the least convenient of the three internet entities.
Defiant Immortal is my MySpace handle. If you are on facebook, finding me should be easy.
|Sunday, July 29th, 2007|
I am a bouncer now. Worked for four days and have already been in a massive brawl. Joy.
Can someone tell me how to work this new lj setup? I cannot even get to view all of my friends. Current Mood: confused
|Friday, April 6th, 2007|
--As it seems a great deal of you already know, K-T and I are back in Hagerstown. We have an appartment on the Dual and are very anxious to get back in touch with our people. This may mean random trips to various parts of P.A. or massive invites to parties at our place.
--I am a security guard now. Chopped my hair off again and the requirement for me to shave keeps me looking twelve. Whenever possible I am putting games of D&D together or a little WoD if I can. Right now I am working on a very small game with Jamie's old Orb Chronicle idea. There is a madness orb, and it is a smiley face.
--Anyway, get in touch with us. Someone somewhere has the number, I am sure. For now my access to the internet is relatively limited, but you may see K-T online. Say hi and come visit. I am sure I will see you all soon. Current Mood: busy
|Thursday, January 11th, 2007|
|Sunday, December 17th, 2006|
|Low and Behold!
--Travis goes out one night with these people and is made public enemy. They are blaming things on him that it just seems he would not do. Even Marie thinks it is crap. Then hearing how things are with these two and what people have to hear and deal with around them... Why do they have friends? According to everyone hanging with Ed and Mike it is nothing but a constant hostile environment. Like I said, I can buy hard alcohol and slip it to accompanying minors just as easilly as they can, but I will not make an enemy out of half of the group by the end of the night. Must be me, I am beginning to think. There has to be something she is directly attempting to avoid about me if she is hanging with the same people that are pissing Marie off. Maybe it is Melony, and why would she not hang? What is it I have done to bother these people so?
High school. A bunch of people who think they are right and bad-ass because they avoid those who will oppose thier views. A circle-jerk of drunken assholes. Current Mood: aggravated
|Dazed and Confused
--She does things like make me dinner. Of course, at a time so crucial for me be a good guy, I throw that back in her face by not putting it away like she told me to. No excuses, there are just times I do not think.
--This could all be in my head, it has been before. It just seems like she reaches out, like she tries to be obviously nice and I take it as a sign she wants me here. But I have seen this before where it was untrue. My mind fabricates so much, fills-in so many blanks that a sign should not be enough for me to go on. Too much hope, I guess.
--Everyone else seems to think she is only playing me. They think this is some tactic to keep me waiting as her backup if she fails to find something new. There is a lot I am not being told and some of the things I am being told seem disengenuous. Last night Travis went with them. That makes everyone other than Fred and I, the boyfriends. How else is that supposed to seem?
--They say they are working on getting me okay'd to go with them, but nothing seems to change. Even though both K-T and Marie admit discomfort with some of the things those two say. Is it that no one has thought to maybe have a night without Ed and Mike? You know, K-T, Marie, Me, Travis, Dustin, and Melony? Sounds like a party. I could even bring more people.
--I can bowl and play pool. Drinking is fun and I have no problem with slipping a few to the side like everyone else. I feel like Rudolf here.
--Just give me the ability to be fun. No one will ever see me fun if I am never a part of the festivities. I am either working, out, or here wishing I could be working or out. There is no way I can seem like fun, but it seems these are the only colors I can show. She keeps talking about Cheers with me when she turns twenty-one and how we can walk home, but does this mean I am not going to hang with her in a social setting until then?
--This week is going to suck. I am pulling another midnight close tonight and I expect it to be the first of at least four this week. This hampers my ability to join the crowd even if I were invited. This also means any time I would be able to spend with K-T is gone, as she would be getting her rest for work. Then they are probably going to continue the stupidity of having only one person in R-Zone until I get frustrated and make them give me someone else again. On top of that, Amber is a half of an hour from departing for the Bahamas.
--No outlet, no company. Just me, work, the cats, and the video games. I pitty my readers here for how much I am going to bitch this next handful of days. Current Mood: frustrated
|Friday, December 15th, 2006|
|The View From the Rut
--The depression is creeping in. I come home to a messy room that I know I should clean, but my mind swims as soon as I begin thinking of where to put the stuff. I need to call the old landlord, figure a way to fix the phone, and do something productive like act on her idea for us to enroll.
--She has had a few good ideas like that recently. Her mood seems to be improving as well and interaction between us is far nicer. The good in this is that it gives me hope for saving this relationship. The bad in this is that it gives me hope and makes it seem like the way to such a positive end is so very long and treacherous. The people I am forced to rely on for hope of being with her in a positive group setting still want her for themselves, or at least one of them does and the big dog of the group supports him. How do I change that?
--A lot of this is begining to feel familiar to me. I tell myself I have been through this before and that gives me some manner of emotional control, but I cannot help but feel this also gives me self-defeating knowledge of my destiny. She has to decide she wants to be with me again with full knowledge of what that entails before this could ever work, but how long that will take is a mystery and the tide of this world is known for pulling people apart, so I am made fully aware of her freedom to make things work with someone else before that ever happens, if it does at all.
--Once I get to work things will get better. I will have my mind on everything else in the world and while I am in that mental place, removed from the larger problem, things will work themselves out in my subconscious. Does it make sense that sometimes I need to stop actively thinking about something to get some of my best thinking done? Anyway, that is work for me. I have come to enjoy it. This is a horrible schedule today though. She works until two, rushes here in order to get me the car, then I work from three thirty until midnight when I will return home likely to find her getting her much needed rest. I know I am going to miss her.
--Life is getting interesting as I open my eyes to the rest of my world and how it is changing. My thoughts have been on PA lately and how the winds of change are making that place very appealing to me. I am able to talk to those I was not before and consider possibilities I thought denied to me forever. And here I am meeting new people who are bringing all manner of color into my life. My options for things like college and such are becoming more appearant and between that, the new places, and the new people, I have a lot of paths I can follow from this seemingly dark point in my life. Hell, I am feeling better now just writing about this.
--Amber goes on a cruise for a week and will become unavailable by the time I work Saturday, so I think I am going to hang with her tonight if I can. K-T is going on some boat of her own tomorrow night and then I will be chilling here by myself for a good while. She is usually pretty fun when she gets home though. Whatever, we will see. I am feeling better. Maybe I will work on this room tomorrow night. Get something done. Current Mood: complacent
|Tuesday, December 12th, 2006|
I will not play the game of digital harassment, so I am screening the anonymous. However, you are welcome to continue to 'critique.' Current Mood: amused
|Monday, December 11th, 2006|
--Toys R Us gets delightfully crazy toward midnight. Conversations enclude such subjects as "Even if I were the only guy with one testicle and a lightsabre..." and "vete a comer mierda y muevete." Threatening my manager with a secret karate kick was relatively fun as well.
--Well, the work day wrapped-up pretty close to midnight and hunger lead a friend and I to Waffle-House where we chatted until about four in the morning. Conversation was all over the place but we covered things like video games, relationships, futures, and Little Cove. I miss Little Cove and a lot of other Pennsylvanian spots.
--I brought her along for the last steps with the appartment and cats so as to keep her from getting that kind of sleep that does more harm than good before her seven o'clock shift back at the store. I showed her the incomplete Valhala so as to let her know what I keep talking about. The place was nicely straightened in comparison to the state of things before work.
--Soon she had to return to work and I to sleep. There is talk of Saturday plans with her and another friend, but I doubt that will happen. I am working from three thirty to midnight again. At least I got out and had a bit of a life today though.
--Much to my surprise, K-T and Marie had not gone to Marie's last day party. Last minute stuff, I hear. They seemed to be looking forward to it so. Thankfully, Marie is not discouragable and she wants to do something with K-T tonight. God, she just seems happier getting out more. This morning, though, I paid the piper.
--As is to be expected, she read my nasty post from the other night. I do not know why I keep thinking people are going to think like I do, it never happens. The short post after that was intended to dismiss my previous post while not deleting it completely. The hope was to better illustrate what kind of stupid stuff my brain goes through. In either case, she was upset.
--I appologized, understanding why she was upset. I had no thoughts like that last night when I thought she was out though, none. My hope is by getting some manner of my own life going I will not wrap so much of my mind around what K-T is doing. She does not deserve me even thinking like that.
--She seemed to accept that I realized I was a dumbass and things returned to a comfortable area again, but it seems fate was conspiring to make me feel her wrath. I misplaced some things she was looking for, the cats were making her angry, she has a headache, wants to sleep, cannot, and if she does not do the dishes someone else dirtied, she will get yelled at.
--Meanwhile, I had no idea what to even start on. She became upset and I became completely useless. Now I found the mirror, the stockings, and maybe the shirt she was looking for but my memory is not serving me at all today. Hopefully she has fun tonight. I hate going to work with her pissed-off, it is like I carry a ton of bricks for the day. Anyway, my brain is dying, I need this little hour of sleep before I have to go into work. Current Mood: tired
|Saturday, December 9th, 2006|
--And at two o'clock she is home, settled, and asleep. She saw a movie and christmas lights. She was dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and her army jacket. Not even a drink as far as I can tell. Yes, she did not let me know anything, but in that simple fact my mind fabricated the rest. I want help. My brain is going to destroy me by forcing everyone I care about away. Is there a drug I can take? Does anyone know?
|Friday, December 8th, 2006|
|"Girls Just Wanna' Have Fun"
--I expected her to be going out tonight. I saw this coming as soon as Marie was so keen on being the one to take her to work. Did this bother me then? No. Did I think about it at work, the way I do everything she tends to load on me in the mornings? Nope. I did think about it when I called the house with no answer at five thirty. I thought it was really early to party. The thought fled.
--I had called Ed around two in order to arrange a meeting for the payment for fixing K-T's car I owed him. Of course, he does not want to talk to me and actually have a conversation about how I did not go repossess cars with him yesterday, so he put his son on the phone. Note, I firmly believe I heard Waffle-House in the background. So anyway, they agreed. Seven-Eleven is where I went after work to cash my check, put gas in the car, and roll over to Waffle-House, since it was right next door.
--My thoughts when parking revolved around how I am giving them over half of my paycheck and they have not even showed. I called as soon as I walked in and it went right to voice mail. I left a message and called Marie to tell her I did not know how to get them the money. When she told me she could get hold of him I simply thought about his phone being off. Regardless, she soon called back telling me she would collect the money from me and get it to him. I then thought of how she must expect to see him before I will.
--Marie spent the visit in the bathroom and said very little to and from the car. I noted Dustin and Melony being in the car and remembered how they were working on living with Ed and Mike. That is when I thought of K-T and how she must have opted-out(persuaded or not) of riding to where I was. When Marie came from the building I counted the money in a slow, careful way and waited for her to say something about the evening, but no. She hurried back in the car and I would assume back to where she told me she was 'out' at earlier on the phone.
--Finally, it was on the drive home that I felt an unsettling which did not reach true anger until I got home. You see, I figured if Ed and Mike are at odds with me, why should they be spending more positive time with her than I have lately? Then I thought of how she was probably dressed, which she only does when she goes out, but not when *we* go out. Then I thought about how this whole thing was being kept a secret.
Now, I take this time aside to call out to those who know me and how much I hate secrets.
--For those of you unfamiliar, allow me to explain: My father kept secrets and I lost my mother, my first pet rabbit, swallowed broken glass, and never had a friend for the years I spent with him. My mother kept a secret, so I was unprepared to care for myself, my brother, and my mentally and physically crippled father when she left him. The cops kept secrets and my brother and I spent time in an orphanage. My aunt and uncle kept secrets and the friends we had found in our cousins were lost when we were whisked away to the north. My grandparents kept secrets and I found myself back with my mother and beaten-slash-starved as I stared at a wooden door in the dark for days on end off-and-on for years. Secrets landed me in four different elementary schools and three different high schools as I matured, dealing with the secret my mother was a crack-whore, her boyfriend liked to beat children when he drank Jim Beam, and I would fail eighth grade taking care of a sick infant while my 'parents' were on the streets. No electricity is fine, no water is horribly inconvenient, but no heat is hard to describe in a blizzard- sucking on the icicles that formed in our sink overnight as we trudged to school in whatever warm clothes our neighbors gave us. Wrapping this up, I have a sister in a foster home and one in an institution due to secrets that my step-father's father was a child molester. We end for now with my mother's imprisonment and college. So, for future reference, I hate secrets.
--That past, I went on to think about how their behavior completely robs me of my ability to prove I am okay with her going out and having fun. Leaving me with no obvious chance to intervene they left me with no way to prove myself. Now a possible building block has become another weight on my heart, which I must not open my mouth about for fear of the end of this relationship.
Oh, and though her insane amount of clothes made it difficult to discern what she wore, the starburst-filled makeup purse and the makeup strewn about the bed only lent to my idea about how she was dressed.
--So I then reached-out to Jamie who I figure is the most able to prove to me what I am doing wrong and get me thinking sensibly. However, she is not my babysitter, not an on-call nurse, is a college student, and has a damn life, so she was not there. Mack was, though. Seemingly the only voice on my side, he and some beer eased my clinched jaw and removed my crazed desire to invent foundation-shaking cuss words to express myself. This conversation may be added later to better illustrate my point.
--Now I plan to drink, play a video game my dear friend Alex gave me, and I hope to be true to myself as the events of the evening reveal themselves. Reading the various posts on LiveJournal I realize she likes to twist stories to get people on her side, like the fact I got the car fixed and paid for it in full. Then she covers that fact by blaming me for putting her in the situation for not being able to afford fixing it. What did I do to her? I wish it was enough to just hope things would get better for everyone.
--I began this post at around seven, I think... Anyway, I called the house around five from work, no answer. I can only venture to guess the festivities had begun by then. At the time I type this it is eleven fourty-three. I am six beers under, a bit more mellow, and wondering when the last time I partied for seven hours was. Update: I have decided to try my best to bite my tongue. Perhaps recieving them positively will eliminate the desire for secrecy. I am not comfortable with this passifist, turn-the-other-cheek attitude, but I would be less comfortable with the prospect of this relationship ending. See, the thing is, she is awesome when things are good. Awesome enough to keep her positives in mind when this stuff happens. Not sure I can really explain it. Current Mood: angry
|Wednesday, December 6th, 2006|
"How much simpler," thought Broussard, as he buttoned his heavy fur coat, for the ride to the station, "is love for a horse, for a child, for anything created, than love for a woman! No man gets out of that business without complications, and when the woman is half a child, an idealist, precocious, an angel with a devil lurking somewhere about her, it's the most complicated thing on this planet!"http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18022/18022-h/18022-h.htm
That is a link to a book written about a guy named Broussard. I got all family-ish today and began researching.http://1-22infantry.org/taps/broussardtapspers.htm
That was my grandfather, the only father figure in my life I ever respected. Along with an actor, writer, a reverand, a few musicians and songwriters, he is a testement to the family name. There are airplanes, restaurants, and towns named after us.
|Home and the Holidays
--With Ciecil taking over Wafflehouse K-T has decided she will work no more doubles and maybe move to third shift. That excites me. So much less stress on her will make life better for everyone. Hopefully this will allow her more time for a life, even if it is just to get out and let loose more often. She deserves the break.
--This hospital thing is dragging, but the big-wigs at Toys R Us are seriously beginning to discuss making me a supervisor! I know so much about everything there and they are starting to see it. Certainly this will require me to be more alive and awake at work, but hopefully I will be getting more rest soon. God, if nothing else, I am excited about the money. I am going in early and leaving late, pulling in overtime in hopes of making things easier around here but I have not seen a very dramatic effect yet. We have paid our dues and both of us have money though. That is a step up.
--My mind has not changed about school. I know what I want to go for and being a supervisor at TRU will not change that. Two years at SCC and on to UCF. Things just need to get to a positive place and settle long enough for me to be able to devote some attention to transferring my paperwork and qualifying for the student aid. My brain is just stretched a little thin right now. The holidays are bound to be tough and I can only really hold my breath and keep my fingers crossed.
--My ending for this is a bit shotty, I need to pick this room up and wake in two and a half hours to get K-T the car so she can come home and get some sleep. Then I will probably go into work early, wash a caffine pill down with a bottle of Mountain Dew, and hopefully get to sleep sometime soon after I get off of work. Sleep, I can feel it calling to me through the caffine buzz... Current Mood: tired
|Monday, December 4th, 2006|
--Last night was crazy for a moment, but it went quite nicely. We were both party people and now niether of us are and getting out last night was a reminder of just how fun-loving I am. She looked awesome and actually happy for once in a good while. We are both social creatures being completely anti-social and I am the dumbass who did not see it until now.
--I really hope she was serious about getting out of Waffle House, that place just takes so much out of her. She thinks she is failing as a manager, but she was a first mate being handed a sinking ship while the captain made away on a yacht. Not even a normal, let alone ideal situation.
--She is taking a work break for Christmas and New Years and I am excited. With her having time to sleep, relax, and do some of the little things she really wants to do I am looking forward to coming home and her wanting to read me new parts of stories she is writing or showing me new things she is knitting or clothes she is Frankensteining into something completely awesome. Conversations with her when she is excited and creative are the best.
--I am still trying to up my game with this hospital job. Cassandra has not called me back and I continue to call her. My thoughts lately have turned to just taking the hospital job and forgetting Toys R Us. This way I have a set schedule and it becomes easier for everyone around me. Then I might actually have time to hang with my friends, party with K-T, or just chill with her on one of my scheduled days off. I am desperate for this job, it just seems like an awesome answer to so many problems.
--With any luck, tomorrow will be one of the good days. Current Mood: wired
|Saturday, December 2nd, 2006|
--I feel alienated. Life since ninth grade has been ninth grade, like I have been held back. I grow and mature, but I lack some essencial skill or knowledge to get to where I should be. The girls love me. I can beat up any kid in my class and I use cool words like 'commitment.' They think my willingness to fight for them is cute. Finally, they gleen some fient idea of what my words actually mean and they go running for that little guy who makes everyone laugh and has the good weed.
--Andrea is in my head a lot lately. I remember her as everything I need now, but hiensight is always twenty-twenty. She was into everything I did not know I was into, and now it is like every new part of me is only a piece of the puzzle of a man she saw. Like some prophecy I am fulfilling, but the only one to appreciate that is her, and she is gone.
--This is the kind of thing going through my head when I am driving home alone and I cannot take my eyes off of the obnoxiously bright headlights of the oncoming cars. The light completely fills my vision and everything else goes away. My wrist twitches with the thought of just how easy it would be to pull the wheel ever so slightly to the left and figure out exactly what happened to her.
--Then I look at the road. This is not my car. There is no Hollywood camera and trendy music to make some audience feel pity for me. No one is around, no one cares, and this is not my car. Then it hits me that I am afraid. I fear death, so much so that I obsess over the science to keep me alive indefinately. The lack of control is what gets me. I want to know where I am going, what will happen to me, and how my story will end.
--At one point I only cared about school and playing with my Swamp Thing figure in the streams at City Park. All by myself I would play with him and Spider-Man in the water pipe under the railroad tracks. Those two would be whoever I wanted them to be and do anything I wanted them to do wherever I wanted them to do it. Control.
--Now things have changed. I need some neat, deep, new game to keep me occupied or I am suddenly lonely. I am lonely all of the time now, so dependant on company. The really horrible thing about this is I still want control. I want these people to be my Swamp Thing and my Spider-Man, but that never works-out. I find myself quickly alone again.
--I have a chance to save this relationship, but I have to give up control. My life goal is essencially for the power to truly control the things around me. I see the power as a freedom, but I guess that is because nothing can happen against my will in this fantasy. My life is control and I have to give it up to make this work. I get it, but I do not know if I can do it. Maybe I need help ...from someone with a couch and a degree. Current Mood: alienated
--I am stepping back while she is her own person(something those who know me realize is a big step for me) and she will respect our relationship. So, she can do whatever she wants other than mess around with other people(not that that has even ever been an issue). So, this is a learning experience for me. I hope it is positive for her as well.
--Her job is changing now, hopefully that means less stress on her. She toys with the thought of going to Denny's and I wonder if that would not be a positive change. Her life though.
--My life needs work, really. I go weeks without a word to people I consider my friends here and that is not right. I do nothing for fun anymore, nothing for myself and I made it that way. I am a controlling bastard and the more I do it the more I limit myself to be some stupid sort of example as well. Sometimes the thought pops into my head that maybe I need to be the kid I never was. I mean, I am twenty-one and I think only in terms of absolutes and eternities. There are parts of that I like about myself, but if I do not let loose, no one around me will be able to. That will get to sucking very quickly. I need to make myself just responsible for myself for a while. Hopefully that will bring me the insight to not keep crushing relationships in my iron grip. Current Mood: introspective
|Thursday, November 30th, 2006|
And today was entirely pleasant, complete with cuddly nap. Anyone else confused? Current Mood: confused
|'All You Need is Love?'
--So the blame falls on my beloved for miscounting something at work and she is charged one hundred dollars. I pay it. Handed it right to her there in the booth telling her not to worry about a thing. She treats me nice for the rest of the day, we have a nice meal out together, we go home and have a nice nap, I take her to work, and I find a post on her page about how the money came out of her pocket and that she has been trying to get rid of me.
--At the time I read this she is at work. Having chilled a bit while being on hold I told her she could call me when she was not busy, but she decided to chat then. I questioned her about her post and she first disregarded the money statement. The rest of the conversation was basically her telling me I am the only stressor in her life other than work and sites the reasons for this in examples that can be summed-up in the phantom 'ka-ching' noises made when I total costs in my head. This very much revolved around my bank account and me getting a new car.
--Now, considering I handed her a cold one hundred twenty dollars(the twenty was for gas and the like) and can still make my end of the bills has to mean I am in a better place. Better yet, about a half hour ago I got off of the phone with my connection in the Florida Hospital. At three thirty tomorrow I will be submitting my information for my night job there. It is mine. Also, K-T heard right from one of my associates from Toys R Us that I have made myself indesposable to the store. My knowledge of all positions there means my hours will not suffer greatly after season, and I am almost getting forty hours this week on a part-time job.
--So, with the hospital paying me nine fifty an hour full-time, Toys R Us paying me seven fifty an hour almost full-time, and health coverage through the hospital; I think I, and whomever else I should choose to care for, should be pretty-well set.
--But wait, there's more!
--For the first time in ten years I have life goals that do not depend on the love and companionship of another! My belief that all of you loveless pieces of shit will realize the futility of your efforts and sadly lacking accomplishments as you die old, cold, and alone in a stinking, dirty bed still stands. The change here is that, for once, love will take a step down on my priorities list.
--The plan is simple, but it will require an occupational dedication I have never displayed(though I am already beating my old records with Toys R Us). I will work with the hospital transporting chemicals and the dead at night. According to my contact, those who show no problems with a bit of grim and gore are usually chosen for EMT. Not only are EMT's well-paid, they get the related classes paid for in exchange for a signed contract stating you will continue working for the hospital for a year afterward. Once I get EMT(though hopefully I can manage it beforehand) I will begin attending school again durring the day. It is exceptionally convenient that I should wish to become a biochemist. The classes the hospital will pay for are related to those I will have to take for my choice career. Toys R Us will have to change or go once I start classes. The length of time before that happens depends on how long it takes me to get a car and settle my accounts. Not long, I imagine.
--The college plan is two years at Seminole Community College to improve my GPA, get the beginner courses out of the way, and get the guaranteed spot in the University of Central Florida given to all two-year students of SCC. From that point on it is merely completing the tasks set before me in the acclaimed medical classes of UCF.
--I finally see the wisdom in making such a plan and not requiring the presence of another, but this does not mean I exclude such a presence. K-T and I(barring another random and surprising post) are still together and happy when the world is not set apon us and I am doing everything in my power to keep it that way. Once I get my first paycheck from the hospital it will be the first of many quick steps I am taking toward independance and hopefully the lessening stress will benefit her and us as we exist. With that, everything should be fine. If not, I guess it is best to be prepared. Current Mood: Determined
|Wednesday, November 29th, 2006|
|Wednesday, October 4th, 2006|